Before we begin, I want to take a moment to thank my husband for making the decision to get help when our peace and safety were compromised. In addition, I want to thank him for consistently participating in counseling sessions even when he did not want to and for completing the tasks that his counselor asked him to do. Most especially, I want to thank him for making the decision to choose us and our family and for recognizing his worth, value and importance in our lives and finally for learning how to receive the love he is so deserving of.
And, I want to remind you that you are incredibly deserving of love too. ❤️
Living in a relationship where your peace and safety are frequently compromised is incredibly frightening, grueling and in some cases can be debilitating.
It is both physically and mentally exhausting and demanding. It requires you to constantly be on guard. You can feel alone, even though you are not. You can lose hope that anything will ever change and at times it seems that each day, almost each moment of interaction grows progressively worse and more dangerous.
I hope and pray fewer and fewer people will arrive at this place in their relationship.
Though if you are in this place it is important to protect yourself.
Here are some things to consider putting in place for yourself as you are deciding what your next step will be:
Listen with your heart. Once your significant other seeks help allow yourself and them time to heal and get stronger.
You don’t have to make a decision to end the relationship immediately. There will be people, many of them who will tell you to cut your losses and move on. They will tell you that you’re beautiful and you deserve better. The fact is that you are in the relationship because you love the person. It is okay to be thoughtful. Don’t drag out the inevitable, but if they are truly getting help don’t rush your decision to go back or leave permanently.
If you are concerned for your safety as you are waiting consider the following:
Safe Person. A person who is not directly connected to you or your loved one. Someone close enough to get to you if necessary, but far enough in relationship that your loved one would not go there first to look for you. Someone who will call the authorities and work to get you help should you need it. Someone willing to temporarily hide you and get you to safety if necessary - this might be to a Women’s Shelter.
Code word. Determine a word between you and your safe person that alerts them to know that you are in trouble. The code word is a word that can be text or shared in a call to them. It lets them know that you are in immediate danger and the police should be called.
Place to go. Between you and your safe person arrange a place where you can meet and leave your vehicle or hide it until you can return to safety.
Commit to leave. Determine at what point for yourself will you cease waiting and determine to end the relationship.
While you are waiting and ideally both of you are getting help, consider:
Forgiving yourself and your loved one. Use the time that you are apart to do your own healing. Your heart is broken. Your soul’s spirit has been compromised. Your body is exhausted. It is okay to rest. Each day commit to working through one area of your life with the person where you need to forgive them. Write I forgive _______ for _________ over and over again until you believe it and can let it go. You may notice that it may take a few days and it may come up for you more than once. Sit with it. Feel it. Cry. Get angry, but let it all out on the page. Tear up the page if necessary. Then let it go.
Humble yourself. Ask for help from others. Admit where you were at fault. Take responsibility and be willing to listen. There are people in your life or who will enter your life who want to help. Allow them this honor. You are an important person and they find value in you, allow them to help you where they can. This might look like a cup of coffee together. This might be tears over the phone. Maybe they let you get angry or upset as you talk privately. They understand and are willing to sit with you while you work out everything. It could be simply someone who comes and sits and laughs with you.
At the appropriate time talk with your loved one. Apologize for any wrong that you have committed against them. Let them know how incredibly valuable they are to you and how much you love them. Open your heart to them, allow them the opportunity to talk and tell you how they are feeling. Listen this time with your heart.
Selfless heart. Ask God to increase in you. Pray often. Commit to giving him your entire life -- heart, mind, body, and soul. Wake up every morning and recommit yourself to him. Be still and allow him the time that He needs to work.
No one ever wants to be in a place where their safety and peace are compromised; however, in the event that you are it is my hope that you can find the strength that you need to move to a place of peace and safety sooner rather than later.
Take care! Have a beautiful day y’all!
All My Love,
Jen
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